The Important Role of Siblings

By Michele Blandino

There is a great book written by Anna Quindlen titled, appropriately enough, Siblings, that contains a collection of essays about the complex, yet wonderful relationships between brothers and sisters. 

In one essay she writes: "I don't understand how people learn to live in the world if they haven't had siblings...Everything I learned about negotiation, territoriality, coexistence, dislike, inbred differences and love despite knowledge I learned from [her siblings]...In some essential way, they were my universe, even more than my parents." 

Early Role Models

In spite of the ups and downs associated with growing up with brothers and sisters, our siblings actually serve as our first teachers, and the lessons we learn from them will last our entire lives. Sometimes the lessons are obvious such as learning the letters of the alphabet or how to add during an impromptu game of 'school'.  Others are far more subtle: learning to compromise, share and trust all are a by-product of being one of at least two children within a family.

The learning process begins early; some experts suggest as early as 15 - 18 months, which is the time the younger child's motor skills allow them to imitate the physical accomplishments of an older sibling.  Because of their desire to keep up with their older brother or sister, later born children may reach certain developmental milestones sooner than their older siblings.  And chances are that this trend will continue as the children age and the pattern of emulation grows to include social as well as physical pursuits.  For example, the younger child watching their older sibling learn how to play a musical instrument may begin their own study at an earlier age. 

All of this is not to say that it is only the younger child that benefits from a sibling relationship.  Older children, particularly those who enjoyed only child status for a time before their brother or sister's arrival, may relish their new position of role model.  Knowing that he or she is being looked up to can be a tremendous confidence booster for first-born children who might otherwise feel displaced by their new sibling.  If there is a fairly large (i.e. at least 3 years) age difference, the older child may take on the role of protector for their younger sibling, and in the process learn about responsibility. 

Social Benefits

As the younger child grows older, he begins to learn even more from his siblings.   As a child reaches the age of 3, he becomes aware of how his older sibling's world has been enriched with the addition of friends.  Soon, he learns that friends provide all sort of new opportunities, interactions and experiences.  Because the younger child has had the opportunity to observe their older brother or sister interact with friends, and perhaps form their own relationships with these friends, it is likely that he will make friends more easily than if he had not had this opportunity.  It is also about this time that young children begin to understand the rules of compromise.  By observing his older siblings negotiate differences with their playmates, the younger child begins to realize that persuasion often is much more effective than intimidation.  Consequently, once he begins to build peer relationships of his own, he will likely be able to resolve differences much more effectively and in the process, may find it somewhat easier to make friends.

Lifelong Lessons

As children reach school age, the lessons of early childhood give way to the more complex issues associated with growing up: increased independence, responsibility and accountability.  As before, the younger child will likely look to their older sibling for clues on how (or how not) to deal with these new expectations.  How this information is passed from one sibling to the other depends largely on the relationship: siblings who are emotionally close will likely maintain an open dialogue while those with more complex relationships will be more rely on a more passive method like observation.  Meanwhile, the lessons in living as part of the family continue.  Because children with siblings learn (but may not necessarily accept) at a relatively young age that their needs cannot always come first, negotiation skills will be further developed, the art of compromise routinely practiced and the importance of identifying and setting priorities continually reinforced. 

Most siblings will learn about the importance of trust during the teenage and young adult years for it is during this time period that many children begin to enjoy more independence from parental supervision.  Those not wanting to lose this privilege will likely exhibit the required behavior and observe any limits (i.e. curfew) set by the parents.  Younger siblings will easily recognize what is and isn't considered appropriate behavior by observing the rewards (or consequences) received by their older siblings. 

Even as siblings age, most never stop learning from one another.  Unfortunately, the lessons of childhood give way to weightier issues such as illness, the death of a loved one and other traumatic events. But, because they have already gained so much from one another, these painful lessons seem somewhat easier when they are shared with a sibling.