Breaking Up is Hard to Do
By Teresa Ambord
The saying goes, "breaking up is hard to do." Duh! Breaking up is hard for anyone, but if you're a teenager you may feel things so intensely that you can't see beyond the moment. So what do you do?
Too often the answer is nothing. You sit and don't want to be bothered and you think about it and wonder what you did wrong and if there will ever be another boyfriend/girlfriend for you. You may lack energy or interest in anything at all. What you are doing is prolonging the pain. Maybe you actually want to wallow in it for a while. But do yourself a huge favor and set a time limit on the wallowing. The sooner you get moving the better you will feel.
Here are some ways to speed up recovery:
- Avoid him or her. It's tempting to invent ways to bump into the old love, or find a reason why you must make contact, such as to return an item that was left at your house. Don't do it. Ask a friend to return the item, or stick it away somewhere and forget about it. Making contact opens a fresh wound.
- Get out a pen and paper and write furiously about how you feel. Don't use the computer. Writing longhand is therapeutic. Don't worry about grammar and spelling, or being nice. This is for your eyes only. If you fear that someone will see it, try this: write one line upon another so that it's unreadable. Or just use a shredder.
- While you are writing, don't dwell on what you loved about him or her. Think about every unkind remark or annoying habit and focus on that.
- Get rid of anything that reminds you of the lost love. Or at least hide it well. Chances are, by the time you stumble upon it, you won't care at all.
- Don't succumb to the feeling of pressure to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. You need time and the last thing you want to do is connect with the wrong person in order to get over a lost love. Many teens and adults do this, and find themselves in a far worse situation as a result.
- Do something fun. Or active. You may well feel like sitting on the couch or lying on your bed suffering. If you want to suffer, there's no way to help you. If you want to feel better, get up and take a walk, go to a movie (preferably not a sad love story) or go shopping...whatever it is you love to do. If you remain active the bad feelings that plague you tend to assimilate into your conscious and hurt less.
Here is what Jeannette Castelli says in her book Extreme Breakup Recovery:
She calls her method FAST. It stands for Face it, Accept it, See the lessons, and Take yourself to a new level.
- By Face it, she means, don't deny it. Let the harsh reality sink in. There are many things in your life you can change, but when you meet a situation you can't change, the wise thing is to admit that it's true.
- Accept it. Ask yourself if there were warning signs you ignored, and if you are partly responsible for the breakup.
- See the lessons. Failed relationships teach you what you don't want, and how to handle various relationship issues. You're really weeding out the wrong mates in search of the right one.
- Take yourself to a new level. Explore new possibilities for yourself, like relating to people differently, listening more, talking less. Or try something you've always been interested in that you suspect may make you happy.
Castelli says this: "Your true partner is already on the way, the more you suffer and prolong your healing, the more you will delay his or her arrival." Isn't that what you really want? Leave suffering over breakups for those who love pain. You've got better things to do.