Crossing the Language Barrier: Talking With Your Teenager
By Teresa Ambord
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned. -- Mark Twain
Sound familiar? Even if you haven’t heard that Mark Twain quote before, if you’re a parent of a teenager, you know the sentiment. You may also be wondering if you and your teen will survive long enough for you to become wise.
Take heart
In spite of evidence to the contrary, there is absolutely no truth to the rumor that your teenager is evolving into an alien from another planet. But it may seem like it when you try to communicate with him or her. We bring them into the world, teach them to talk, and by the time high school rolls around, we’re not even sure we speak the same language. That’s why, when it comes to communicating with our teens, the most important skill is listening.
Hold Everything!
When your teen wants to talk, even if it seems trivial, stop what you’re doing and give your full attention. That’s not easy after a long day, but setting aside other things places a value on what your teen is involved in. If you've ever held someone's full attention, you know how good that feels.
On the other hand, if you’ve got a tough subject to bring up, some experts recommend you do it while driving. Both of you are eyes forward and there are fewer distractions. It’s less stressful for both parties.
Draw Them Out
Teenagers are famous for short answers with as few details as possible. But sometimes, you need those details. Try drawing them out by asking open-ended questions that require more than a yes or no answer.
Don't Judge
Experts in communication warn against judging someone else’s feelings, especially your teenagers. Feelings are what they are. So, for example, if your teenager says he hates his teacher, don’t get on his back. If he told you that much, he must want to talk about it. Instead, ask him what the teacher did to make him feel that way. Sometimes giving him a chance to talk it out without judging him is enough to help him feel better and maybe give him a new perspective.
Talking about feelings is a healthy form of expression. But if the talking becomes abusive ― like screaming ― take a break and come back to the conversation later.
When Your Teen Messes Up
If you have to talk to your teenager about something he or she has done wrong, criticize the action, not the personality. And don’t overdo it. Failing to take out the trash tonight is not good, but it doesn’t mean they are lazy slobs who’ll never amount to anything. If you have to issue some kind of punishment, make sure it fits the crime. Kids need to know that actions have consequences, but the consequences should be appropriate. For example, if he leaves with friends and forgets to do his chores (and you end up doing them) require him to do both his chores and yours for a few days.
Notice the Good Things Too
Try to catch them doing something right for a change. Don’t just make a blanket statement like “I’m so proud of you.” That falls flat and sounds like a gimmick. Instead, tell them why you are proud. “I’m proud of the way you stopped to help your sister finish her work. That shows you are really growing up.” They need to know you notice the good things they do as well as the bad.
Remember, if your kids don’t get enough emotional support at home, they’ll always be looking to outsiders for approval. If they get approval at home, they won’t care so much what others think.
Every day, they are checking in with dozens of people who influence his or her decisions. Since you don’t know what those “consultants” are saying, it’s may be more important than ever for you to keep communication open so that you retain a place as one of those consultants.
