When Your Parents Divorce
By Teresa Ambord
Divorce is always tough, and when if you’re a teenager whose parents are splitting up you may wonder if you’ll ever feel normal again. You should know… it will get easier in time.
How you feel about your parents’ divorce depends on the situation. It’s normal to worry or to be lonely or full of anxiety. But it can also be normal to feel relieved. If your home has been a battle zone for a while, you might be relieved to finally have some calm in your life. Plus, you may be able to enjoy the company of your parents separately if they are happier now and they are more able to focus on you.
Even if your parents are behaving badly, how you get through the next few months is up to you. Sure, they are supposed to be the mature ones, but it helps if kids remember that, during a divorce, one or both parents may be really suffering. That’s not an excuse for them to do the wrong thing, but maybe you can give them a little slack.
Even so, there are some things kids should not have to deal with:
- For example, your parents should not try to get you to take sides. No matter what, they shouldn’t expect you to stop loving the other parent. If you feel like you’re expected to take sides, explain to your parents that you love both of them and don’t want to be in the middle.
- Also, one parent should not criticize the other to you. If your mom or your dad do this (or both) it may be that he or she is afraid you’ll prefer the other parent. You should be able to ask each of them not to criticize the other. Not only does it put you in a bad position, but it backfires. The parent who does the criticizing usually ends up looking worse for it.
- If it feels like your life has been put on hold, you may be right. It won’t hurt you to show some understanding while your parents work out the changes, but if things don’t get better after a few weeks, sit down with your parents and talk to them about it. Chances are, they are so caught up in their problems they don’t realize that you’re in a holding pattern.
- Before you have a serious talk with either parent, consider the timing. Don’t corner your mom with a heavy discussion as she’s rushing off to work, and don’t try to get your dad’s attention when he’s preparing to meet with a client. Avoid extremes… as in, don’t expect your parents to be good listeners when you know they are very tired, rushed, agitated, emotional, or even hungry. Wait till after a good meal, when your mom or dad is ready to relax for the evening. You’ll probably get better results.
Here are a few things to remember to help you stay normal during this transition time:
- Watch your eating habits. Emotional distress may cause you to overeat or under eat. In the long run, that can affect your health and make everything worse.
- Keep up your activities as much as possible. Don’t give in to the temptation to isolate yourself and be idle. You might think you’re too depressed to go to basketball practice, but the exercise and distraction will feel better than you can imagine. On the other hand, idleness will just intensify your misery.
- Your feelings are easier to manage if you write them down. Don’t worry about being nice. If you feel like your dad is being selfish or your mom is betraying the family, write it. The act of writing (especially longhand) makes your emotions less intense and easier to deal with. And when you’re done, shred the paper. Or if you can’t shred, write one line upon another so that nobody can read it. This is important because if you fear someone will read your writing, you won’t get your true feelings out.
