Speaking of Sex...
By Teresa Ambord
It's no secret that talking to your teens about sex can be, at the very least, awkward. Whether your intention is to teach your teen responsible sexual behavior, or abstinence until marriage, you've got to talk to them. Many times, parents give girls the big talk, presumably because they are the ones who can get pregnant and the ones who are more likely to say no. But boys shouldn't get short shrift. They need the talk too.
Even if your hope is that your teens will not engage in sex during high school, experts suggest that you shouldn't represent sexual activity in a negative light. Pointing out the potential problems such as pregnancy and STDs is important, but overall, kids need to know that sexuality, in its place is a good thing.
Our kids are bombarded by Hollywood representations of dating as a quick leap from hello to sex. Anything less is portrayed as weird, problematic. Worse than that, TV and movies depict couples who are sexually active (and possibly even have a baby or two together) but when asked why they don't get married, the answer is, "we're just not at that place in our relationship yet." The message is, sex comes before commitment.
Kids need to know that a physical relationship is progressive, hopefully over a period of time that creates a foundation and makes a genuine commitment possible. The fact that physical relationships are progressive also allows for either member of the couple to stop at any time.
Other important points:
- oral sex has consequences. Oral sex alone doesn't lead to pregnancy, but STDs and HIV are transmissible through oral sex. It's a popular notion that girls can have oral sex and technically remain virgins. But that's similar to claiming to be a vegetarian because you eat no meat except for bacon.
- sexual behavior has emotional links. Sexually active teens become more vulnerable. Hearts get broken and reputations slide. No matter what Hollywood claims, sex has emotional consequences that teenagers are probably not ready for.
According to studies by experts in the field, these are some of the factors that increase the risk that teens will become sexual:
- too little parental involvement in their lives.
- alcohol or drug use that dissolves inhibitions and values.
- intensely exclusive relationships that spell a lot of alone time.
- parental attitude that teen sex is okay, or inevitable. If you feel that way, your kids will pick up on the attitude.
- low level of commitment to other relationships and responsibilities like performing up to their abilities in school.
- history of sexual abuse. When kids are used sexually by people they should trust above all others, boundaries are destroyed, and the kids may feel worthless.
- single parent households. This is not to suggest that teens from one-parent households are destined to get involved in sex. But parenting is a huge job, meant to be a team effort, and the responsibility of raising kids alone can be an enormous burden. Single parents are smart to enlist all the support they can muster.
These factors help to reduce the risk that teens will become sexually active:
- having consistent, strong commitment to other things like school, accomplishment, and religious faith.
- presence of both parents in the home. Also, the presence of a father who maintains a strong, positive relationship with his daughters has proven to be a deterrent to teen sexual activity.
- parental values that support abstinence until marriage.