Help Your Teenagers Accept a New Stepparent

By Teresa Ambord

“You’re not my father!” Or, “mother,” as the case may be.   What stepparent hasn’t heard that at least once?   It’s normal for stepfamilies to go through growing pains, especially during the first year.  If you’re divorced and hoping to remarry, you need to think ahead to make the transition as easy as possible for your teenagers.

• Start by being selective when you introduce your kids to those you are dating. If the relationship is casual and not likely to lead to marriage, skip the introduction.  If your teen gets attached to someone who will soon be out of the picture, it may feel like yet another loss and that will make it even harder to trust new adults later.
• When you do become serious about someone, introduce that person to your teens under the best possible circumstances.  Keep the meeting short, plan something the kids will enjoy (like a favorite restaurant), and don’t include the new partner’s children yet.
• Now that your kids and your new partner have met, let the kids develop a relationship with him or her at their own pace, for the best chance of acceptance.
• Once the relationship is established and it’s time to introduce future stepsiblings, proceed with care.  Again, keep the meeting short, plan an activity that all the kids will like - allowing for age differences, and don’t plan for too much down time where conflicts can erupt. Do your best to ensure that each kid has his/her own space.
• When it seems as though marriage is likely, talk it over with your kids fairly soon, not to ask permission, but so that they know they are valued members of the family.  In the end, the transition will be easier if you don’t spring the marriage on them.
• Include the kids in the wedding plans as much as possible.  They can help with guest lists and menus, and girls might like to help mom (or future step-mom) pick the wedding dress.   But don’t force participation if the kids are uncomfortable with it.  The idea is to make the wedding a family occasion as opposed to an event that will feel to the kids like they’re about to lose you.
• Keep in mind, the first year after the wedding will likely be tough. Stepparents can gain a lot of ground with small acts of kindness, like keeping your stepkids’ favorite cookies in the house, and displaying their photos in the house, on your work desk, and/or in your wallet (wherever you’d display pictures of your own kids).
• The transition to a blended family may be smoother if the kids know that you understand this is a tough time for them.  You might try holding weekly family meetings at a time that is agreeable, where the kids are free to talk about their concerns and frustrations.  Giving them a voice may help them to feel more respected, which in turn, will make it easier for them to respect you.

For More Information:

For more help in putting together a stepfamily with the best possible chance of success, check out these books:

• Stepliving for Teens: Getting Along With Stepparents, Parents, and Siblings By Joel D. Block and Susan S. Bartell
• Family Rules: Helping Stepfamilies and Single Parents Build Happy Homes By Jeannette Lofas

And for teenagers trying to survive in newly blended families:

• Finding Your Place: A Teen Guide to Life in a Blended Family By Julie Leibowitz
• Stepfamilies: How a New Family Works By Rachel Gaillard Smook